Do you believe in soulmates? How do you know if you have found the right person? Sadhguru demolishes the notion of soulmates and tells us how one can find the “right” marriage partner.
Do Soulmates Exist?
The body needs a mate. If it is not well developed, maybe your mind needs a mate. If your emotions have not become all-inclusive, they need a mate. At least your soul should be free from hankering!
When people say “soul” they are referring to something beyond physicality. If there is something beyond the physical, would it need a mate? A mate means a companion. It could be physical, psychological, or emotional needs, or it could be for work, but a mate comes in only when there is some sense of incompleteness. Whatever it is that you are referring to as soul – at least that one thing – should be complete.
There is this idea that there is a soulmate somewhere, that God made one more person just for you. But these days, every two years he keeps making one more person just for you. Obviously, God is making too many mistakes with you! There is no such thing. The soul does not need a mate, nor was some person made perfectly for you. If you think you are perfect and God has chosen you and made another perfect person somewhere else, you are heading for a disaster.
Soulmates and Love
Why do people seek a relationship? It could be for physical reasons; we call that sexuality, and it can be quite beautiful. It could be for mental reasons; we call that companionship, and it can be beautiful, too. It could be for emotional reasons; we call that love, and that has been legendarily extolled as the sweetest experience. Certainly, physical compatibility, companionship and love can make life wonderful, but if you are honest with yourself, you cannot deny the anxiety that follows such an arrangement. It is wise to be honest about the limitations and conditions within which a relationship operates. The advantage of being realistic is that when you are confronted by limitations tomorrow, you will find a mature way to deal with them. If you employ terms like “soulmate,” or proclaim that your relationship is “made in heaven,” disillusionment is inevitable.
If you have too many romantic delusions, even if you are married to the most wonderful person, it will definitely crash because you cannot delude yourself forever. If you want to live sensibly and joyfully, it is important to remember that marriage is a human arrangement, not a celestial one. Marriage can be a very pleasant experience as long as you know it is not the ultimate.
The success of these relationships will depend on the maturity and sensitivity with which we approach them. I am not being cynical about love. Love is one of the most beautiful qualities a human being is capable of. Many cultures have suppressed love; others have tried to export it to heaven. But love is of this planet, and it is deeply human. Why deny that?
Love does not need an object. Love is simply a quality. If the person you love is not in your physical presence, you are still capable of loving them. If the people you love cease to exist, you still continue to love them. This means you are using people around you as mere stimuli to find expression for this innate quality. If you bring sufficient awareness to your discriminatory intellect, love is the only way you can be. Love is not about what you do. Love is the way you are. Love is simply life longing for itself. This longing is essentially to become all-inclusive and boundless. It is only when love becomes all-inclusive that you touch the boundless. And that is when you realize a simple truth: the soul does not need a mate. It never has.
How to Know If You Have Found the Right Person?
It is true that certain karmic connections may draw people towards each other. This does not mean that these will be ideal relationships. There is no right person on this planet. If you put your heart into something, something may become wonderful. Is it the right thing? There is no right thing. If you get into that kind of unrealistic mindset that you have found the right person, you will be soon disappointed. If you understand that you have your nonsense and they have their nonsense, we can adjust nonsense to nonsense and go on.
We must understand that relationships are formed for various needs. When you are going to someone with so many needs, you are going as a beggar, and a beggar cannot choose. If you really want to make a choice in this world, the first and foremost thing is you bring yourself to a place where your experience of life is just pleasant by yourself. Now, let us see what gets drawn to this one. If you are really wonderful, things will happen in every way. The best will happen to you in terms of career, marriage and relationships because you made yourself like this. Instead of trying to work on someone and fix them, if you work upon yourself and make yourself so wonderful that everyone wants to be with you, then there is a choice.
You are not going to find any perfect person. If you invest a deep sense of involvement, something wonderful may happen, not because the other person is fantastic. It does not matter even if you choose a fool. If you involve yourself, it can turn out very beautiful. You may have chosen the smartest person in the universe, but it could be a disaster. Do not think in terms of this “made for each other,” nonsense. Actually, you choose the opposite. But after a little bit of time, you slowly start expecting them to be just like you. This is a serious mistake. If there is one more person just like you at home, could you live there? You should be glad they are different. It is wonderful that no one is like you on this planet. Do not look for sameness.